Hello. . .  It's me... I am wondering if after all this time you would like to meet. To go over everything. They said that time will heal but I am not healed at all.

Hellooo... Can you hear me? Hello from the other side. I must have called a thousand time. To tell you. I am..

Eh emang lagunya gini yak? Bukan yak? Eh yaudahlah ya.

Bye.
26th September 2016

Di tengah malam mendekati jam 1, gua tiba-tiba chat ke Princess "I think I just lost my reason to live."

I don't know, maybe I am too sensitive these days? Because of menstruation or something? Or I have just become crazy? Idk.

It all started when I check my weight and the scale is showing me 46kg. I told to my senior that I loss weight. She did not comment anything at first. But when we are at the office, she told me,

"You can (and have to) save money, but not extremely like this. Don't save too much.   " 



sister scold me for being such an ignorant person. Previously, she bought numerous items and send it all to my place. Then, she asked to collect them all and send it to her. It cost her less that way. And then, I did send the items she ask. But I forgot few things like cap and decorative lamp. Well, that made her mad.

"Da! Your world isn't only one. Be focus! Don't get too fed up with one thing. Aware it or not, it what makes you not focused and forget the world around. Have you ever realized that every time people tried to talked with you but you only answer them without even looking at them? That's not good. What do you get eventually? A mess! Half-done shit. There have to be some other people to tell you that!"


I froze.
Like . . . I don't know.
I just blank for a few hours. I am not focused anymore. Ever so sudden, everything that I've been doing just now does not make any sense. Everything just does not make any fucking sense!

Being stubborn I am, I replied her with a bold face, "Then, what do I have to sent to you again?"

I chose to be the ignorant again. As if what she told me did not move in to my brain. The truth is, 


YES IT IS! It hit me like a train.

I was having real stressed-out matter in my office. My office situation is a real mess. Some people quit their job, including my mentor, MissA. She is my first co-worker, mentor, and one of the people who have the solution to my stubborn mistakes. Now that she's out, the already weary feeling that I have been going through just gone worst. She's gone, along with my excitement of working. I do not have the mood to work in the office anymore. Because of this shit, because of that shit.

Old people quit. New people join. New regulation. Shift of job.

MissA's quitting means that I am in charge to be her 'replacement'. What she usually do, become what I do now. Except I didn't take over all of her job. Some are given to other people. With me shifting my position, someone new are replacing mine too. And guess what? The one who replace my position is no other than Candy, a girl whose name is so familiar to me. I am guessing if her boyfriend's name Theo too. No joke if it is.

Well, it is really funny. I usually change people's name when I write about them in my blog. But I could not change her name this time. It's Candy. Yeah, no joke. Candy is a high-spirited girl. She always said Good Morning with a cheery face. Talk with others with a high pitch sound. She had iMac, iPhone and drove in Brio. (Well, am I talking with too much detail?)

I am such a different person when I am in the office. You won't believe it was me. I am a cold-blooded bitch who replied shortly to anything especially for new people. Was no difference to Candy. Even though she is older than me, I talked to her (and mostly with anyone because I am the youngest) with a superior note.

Day goes by me asking her to do that and do this. Especially to the things that I haven't progress for over a month. Because I was 'bossying' her around with all the shit, she was not happy, showed her unhappiness with her other co-worker. Oh yeah, she is super annoyed with me. Like seriously. And not just her, another co-worker too. "You know, I am getting commanded by a younger girl! Damnit!" and her co-worker would reply with "Yeah, I know. Brenda is like shit, right?"

Seeing her indirectly firing negative comments makes me nausea.

I am contemplating my own thought.  Am I too rash? Maybe I am not good with explaining? Or I am just a bitch? 



It's 1 AM and I am still writing this shit. . .


--


8th Aug 2016

Candy quit. Or... to be exact... She's fired. 

She is actually a diligent big girl. (Yep, she has a big posture. (much taller and bigger than me!) ) I am also quite taken aback with her being fired. When boss drop me the news, I just look at him blankly. That successfully make my boss thought i am a stupid chick. "Is she stupid or what? I am talking with her. But she just look at me with no words?" >> she=Brenda. 

The girl who was so annoyed by me are now out. 

Then a new guy come in to replace her. Let's say his name's Bambu. When I first met him, I don't like him. I was giving out survey form for every anime fan in the office, including him. I told him to choose 3 characters that he likes. And then, he was talking to Toto about the character. He end the words with "anjing." I know people used to use the words "anjing" when talking with their friend. But, I don't think they know each other thaaaaat close enough to use that doggy word? And there's me in there who listen their conversation closely. Why the heck he said anjing? I just don't like him. Too 'carefree'? Urgh...

Enough with the office shit. 

As I first mentioned, my weight is 46,5kg something. And it is still now. Please don't say, "Ih, you are so lucky. I wished to have your weight as mine!" 

Girls, do you know what I look like when I am only 46,5kg? 
Do you know a stick? I do look like a stick man. That super skinny. Even when I use my jeans, there's 3 fingers free area. (what am I talking about?)

Why am I super skinny?

If you really want to know the secret, I will tell you why. 

Just...
Be broke. Don't eat dinner. :)
I am first. And I do the second. I successfully lose weight. :)

Oh, it's really embarrassing telling other people that you're broke. That's why I write this shit in white color. People won't read it unless they do some 'trick'. 

I wrote about early retirement that even my boyfriend laugh at me. Geez. I hate my work now. I wanted to have successful businesses out there. Be successful in a young age and show people that I have money. Ironic, right. . . 

My family is not rich. We live under other people's roof. We have debt with our relatives. Even I do have debt with my own family. 

Not all people are kind and nice. I just think that my relatives looked us down. They thought us low, poor family that can only leech off others. My, did my thoughts so spoiled? I just don't like the way they look at us as they are disgusted. You know. Even I think that my nephew look us that way too. 

"Oh, we have to treat Brenda. She doesn't have money to pay this food." 

Part of me are thankful because I really don't have money. 
The rest of me are so intrigued to have vengeance. 

That's why I am trying my best to earn money on every possible way. 

I tried to read business book. Look at motivation quotes. And, I tried online businesses. 

If I were to say, I'm now living in 3 lives: campus life, office life, business life. I currently have 3 businesses out there: wholesale clothing line, beauty product seller, and domain seller.  I can't quite pinpoint my focus actually. 

I am working my ass off. Trying every possibilities to earn money. 
But my business aren't that best. I haven't earn money yet. 

When I was trying to earn money, I am so lonely. Sometimes I feel like why I was trying so hard. I didn't eat dinner because I dont have enough cash ( and I don't want eat at my relatives' place ) I become skinnier. I want warm hug, some whisper and soft hush telling me, "It's okay Bren, you don't have to try so hard. I love you." 

I hope my boyfriend will do that for me. 

But I don't know. 

He is busy with his own new business. I think our chat become a 'seldom', once in while 'check'. He used to chat me 'Good morning', 'Good Night', or 'What's up?'. But now, I think I am the only one doing it. I remember the phrase, "Men are atracted at first. Women are attracted at last." We even don't meet each other for two weeks already.

I am getting jealous with other couples who get to meet each other almost every day. Celebrate their 'monthsary' together. One of my friend even get a branded lipstick on their ninth monthsary. What did I get? Just a text saying 'oh, it's already our monthsary? I forgot.'  or just 'Happy monthsary'. 

:(

I wanted to cry, I wanted to feel jealous, angry, but I can only hold back my feeling. 
Because I must be so selfish if I am really jealous and angry. 

"You don't know how far our place is? It's from North to West!"
"I always paid our bill. Why not you now?"
"I am also busy with my own things!"
"Why didn't you want to sleep in my place?"

He never said those directly to me. But I think he is thinking that way.  

Or

"You always ask me this and that. What have you give me? It's supposed to be give and give. Not give and take. "
Right, I rarely give him anything. 

Wait, do I have a thing?

I wanted to be treated, cared, and loved. But did I give him back? Did I? I am selfish girl, remember?

When I am in a bad mood, I just read his message. Trying to tell myself, "Don't reply him, Bren." 
But. I did reply him back.

Sometimes I get hurt because he took down my request to watch movies, karaoke, and do sport with my friend. He said, "I am lazy." But I just think he does not want to spend money. Haha, silly me. 

I don't know. 
I don't know how our journey might last.

It's our first anniversary soon though. 

Will he keep his promise?

He did give me false hope once. When it's my birthday and he told me that he already book a nice place for us. But he didn't. And I am .. so... hurt. It was not the surprise birthday that I hope for. I thought we are going to a nice place (?) 

Well, let's hope he will keep his promise this time. . . 
I'd already prepared gift for him . . .